It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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