At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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