Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule