Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.