Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels