You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
