I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
