my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
