the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
