Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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