Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Drunk is not a location!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.