My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand