hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...