so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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