Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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