A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
