the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
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Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
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