i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
