can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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