I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
