we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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