The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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