I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You made out with two different species that night
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
