I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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