Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
