am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
