Someone shit on the floor
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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