you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
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Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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