Capitaan dildo arrescate!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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