I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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