I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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