I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
