Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
