your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
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