Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
