Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
