When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Shame - the story of my life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
