I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
