you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
