Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I need to stop coming to work sober
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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