When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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