i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
