I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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