i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
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You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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