you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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