I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
