that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
