what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
