I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Someone came in the potted fern
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
