Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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