Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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