what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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