I'm really into asian looking animals
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Randomize
