She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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