shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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