Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
