I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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